The Department of Homeland Security is considering elevating the national security level after a disturbing story was relayed by a frost-bitten, exhausted elf, found wandering tight-less on a remote highway in Northern Canada. The elf claims that Santa Claus has “snapped with all this anti-Christmas reindeer crap” and is planning a Christmas Eve suicide attack on Democratic Party Headquarters in Washington.
According to available details, the elf told the local man who picked him up that he was being pursued by a “Heat Meiser” and that the man must take him to local authorities or “suffer the consequences.” The man was disturbed enough by the elf’s condition and story that he drove him to the local police station, where he sat on the lap of a Canadian Mounty, sipped hot cocoa, and told his shocking story.
The elf, one Dimple Foxburr, alleges to have escaped from the North Pole, which he claims Santa Claus has turned into a terrorist training camp. He said that Santa has forced all elves to swear a blood oath of loyalty to him, or become stuffed elf toys. Since the elf was distantly related to former Clinton spokesman George Stephanopolus, he decided to make his escape and warn officials. He said that he was only able to get away after he “gave himself” to Mrs. Claus in exchange for his freedom.
The elf claims that Claus has been purchasing high-yield explosives on the black market over the past several years, as the Christmas debate, particularly in the United States, has intensified. Right after several mass retailers decided to avoid the expression “Merry Christmas” in their circulars in November, Santa went on a three day bender and came back “one changed guy.”
“He was dressed in black,” said the elf. “And he said there was a ‘new Santa in town.’ That’s when the barbed wire went up, the late night card games with Abominable Snowman started, and the new training program began. It was horrible. Elves are supposed to make toys, not drill with M-16s. Can you rub my arms?”
According to the elf, Claus was having a hard time deciding on the target of his attack, considering Barbra Streisand’s Malibu Estate as well.