WASHINGTON, D.C. — Male prostitute Jeff Gannon submitted an affidavit to a federal grand jury investigating members of congress, in which he admits to being the prostitute procured by lobbyist and defense contractor Brent Wilkes for ex-Congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham. In the affidavit, Jeff Gannon also admits to having had sexual relations with at least 1,000 other government officials and members of Congress.
In the affidavit, Jeff Gannon also admits to having the sexually transmitted disease Gonorrhea. This has caused concerns about a pandemic throughout the entire government, since “not a single senior government employee or member of Congress is monogamous,” according to the Centers for Disease Control’s report: Trends in Sexual Risk Behaviors Among Members of Congress and Government Officials.
Jeff Gannon also said in the affidavit that he has had sexual relations with government officials in every single department and agency. Because of the new revelation, the entire government and Congress has now been placed into a state of emergency and shut down for the purpose of containing the Gonorrhea outbreak. Even the CDC itself has been shut down.
“The best thing that can be done is for the entire government to be shut down, to keep government officials and members of Congress quarantined so they can’t keep spreading this Gonorrhea around,” said Johns Hopkins epidemiologist Dr. Will U. Doomey.
“This is going to be really hard on me, since I can’t abstain from having sex with somebody for more than a few hours,” said Senator Norm Coleman (R-MN).
Right now, Unconfirmed Sources is trying to obtain the list of names of Jeff Gannnon’s government clients. We expect this list to be forthcoming shortly.