Evangelical Sex, No More Wars and Hymen Occupied: Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs, May 4, 2005

What If They Gave A War And We Couldn’t Come?:

Retiring Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Richard Meyers has admitted that the occupations of Iraq and Afghanistan has significantly reduced the capacity of the United States to fight and win any additional Preemptive Liberations George W. Bush may be contemplating. The admission comes as the news that that the Army and National Guard have both experienced a 45 and 37% shortfall in their April recruiting goals, respectively. The classified report was released to the Congress on Monday and Congress, mistakenly thinking that the word classified referred to newspaper advertising, released it to the general public fifteen minutes after that.

And If That Weren’t Bad Enough:

In a related story, emboldened by the Joint Chiefs dire report, a group of kindergarten students armed with crayons and rubber bands have attacked and occupied Billings, Montana. A statement issued from the home of Festus P. Hymen, the Scholastic Army of God’s (SAG) new revolutionary headquarters, has demanded that President Bush abandon his quest to gut Social Security, clean up the environment and balance the budget by 2010. Although the SAG has also demanded one on one talks with the White House, President Bush has instead called for multi lateral talks between the diminuative insurgents, the Peoples Republic of China, Japan, South Korea and the Billings PTA.

Maybe A Few More Jews Would Help:

In yet another related story, one of the Air Forces recruiting problems has been exposed. Allegations have been made that the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs, Colorado is nothing more than a private club for Evangelical Christians interested in flying over non believers and bombing them into the Rapture. Ironically, the allegations of religious bias came as a result of investigations into charges of sexual abuse lodged by female cadets at the Academy, presumably meaning that if you love killing, groping Christian chicks and God then the Air Force is the place for you. Jews, Catholics, Muslims and agnostics are furious, saying that they love bombing, grouping Christian chicks and (except of course for the agnostics) God too. Evangelical Christians at the Academy have responded to these Heathens charges by groping and bombing them.