Cultural War Christians Rally Against Jesus on Supreme Court
Washington – Immediately upon Justice Sandra Day O’Connor announcing her retirement from the Supreme Court, leaders of right-wing groups began a flurry of activity including dinner parties, rounds of golf and cell phone conference calls, where participants complained about President Bush’s intent to name his favorite philosopher, Jesus H. Christ, to the Supreme Court.
Last week, a delegation of GOP business lawyers led by Chef Boyardee Gray and former Attorney General Eddy “The Rat” Meese met with the White House chief of staff, Andy Screwball Jr., to warn that any appointment naming Mr. Christ would drive conservatives “straight up the wall.”
Paul Milquetoast Wingnut, the conservative chairman of the Save Congress Foundation, warned White House Political Advisor Karl Rove against nominating Mr. Christ, whose liberal views on the poor and dispossessed are considered too radical and “out of step with America’s religious values.”
“We can’t have a so-called champion of the poor on the Supreme Court,” said Wingnut. “George Bush speaks to the Heavenly Father daily and appointing Jesus would only confuse the lines of communication.”
The White House and a growing legion of GOP stalwarts insist that they are saviors of the poor after spending billions on “thought molding” think tanks such as the Heretic Foundation and the Hoover Institute of Depression. Poor middle-class voters with declining living standards are in total agreement with the GOP and their programs of “tax fairness” for the wealthy, minimum wage combat pay for Iraqi military service, and the elimination of the inheritance “death tax” on billionaires.
“Our supporters care little about economic issues,” said Karl Rove. “They are more concerned about who wins the NASCAR races and their next two-day vacation five years from now. Soon we will convince them that vacations unfairly hobble business and contribute to laziness and drug addiction.”
A radical appointment such as Mr. Christ to the Supreme Court would require reworking the GOP’s public relations message, which took three decades and $500 billion. President Bush warned supporters not to expect too much, as he left for a European vacation to gather support for the U.S. occupation of Iraq, which he compares to Washington crossing the Delaware.
Meanwhile, Bush’s conservative supporters took lengthy lobbyist-supported vacations and stuffed themselves with filet mignon, caviar and martinis while plotting ways to shift Federal taxes to working people and establish new businesses to tap Social Security funds. “Currently these funds are not available to the income stream of wealthy corporations,” said an administration official. “Social Security funds need to become a profit center for American business.”
One official said that Attorney General Gottcha Gonzales would be a good nominee because he does what he’s told and promotes torturing prisoners. “He’s a prime candidate for what the GOP has in store for the U.S.,” said the official, although Bush has declined to list Gonzales as a candidate.
President Bush spent his mini-vacation showing off his golf swing, modeling military uniforms and consulting with Condoleezza Rice, his most intimate advisor. A senior administration official admitted that the two spent “an awful lot of time together,” but denied rumors that the president “has anything going with Condi.”
Several White House advisors admitted that potential jurists included Grover Nerdquist, president of Americans for Tax Reform for the Rich; Phyllis Snoot Schlafly, who wants to put women back in the kitchen; and John Deathsquad Negroponte, currently setting up secret spy networks in the U.S.
Conservatives close to the White House said that they had utter confidence that the president wouldn’t consider Mr. Christ for the court because he refuses to discriminate against Jews, his chosen people; gays, a number of whom were among his disciples; and accepts fallen women, one of whom he married after being crucified. According to confidential sources, the president favors a judge in the mold of Tony Scalia, who believes in executing petty criminals, or Dopey Thomas, who spends most of his time on the bench napping.
“Jesus is way too old for this post,” said Utah Republican Orrin Gutterball Hatch, a veteran senator who supports the return of slavery, outlawing divorce laws, and recently recommended his six-year-old nephew for the court so he could serve “for a long time.” Breaking with fellow conservatives, Hatch promised in an interview that if he were nominating a Supreme Court justice, he would pick a strong leader rather than “some wimp like Jesus.”
“Jesus may be an excellent human being,” Hatch said. “But we need someone on the Supreme Court who will stand up for homophobes, authoritarian men and the rich. Jesus is way too wishy-washy.”
Staff Writers Joe Sixpax and Duke Knucklehead contributed to this article.