Fan Site Alleges Jessica Simpson Affair With George Bush. White House Denies Charges.

(Los Angeles–CA) It proves democracy in the United States when a night manager of an AM-PM can ignite the fuse to a powder keg of potential political scandal and reveal the reason for pop star/plastic surgery activist Jessica Simpson’s reason for turning down an invitation to a Republican fundraiser at which both she and The President would have been.

At 2AM last Friday morning, Jessica Simpson left a folder at an AM-PM in Conoga Park. Night Manager Rafi Joseph claims that she seemed to be distracted because it was St. Patrick’s Morning, and she needed currants for her soda bread. The fan web site Jess-E! quotes Joseph, “The actress seemed quite vexed when I told her that we didn’t have much of a need for currants in our establishment. She then insulted me by calling me a Pakistani, bought a twelve pack of Trojans, with reservoir tip, and left.” It was after this that Joseph noticed the folder.

The plain beige folder had written on it, “Shred love e-mails to President Bush.” Jess-E! claims that Joseph “didn’t shred it immediately because I couldn’t leave the counter, as I was also being robbed at the time.” And after the robbery, the folder was gone. Joseph was truly contrite, “being a fan of the entire Simpson clan, even the Svengali father who bears my name, that this information was now with a common highwayman.”

Jess-E! has posted selections from the e-mails in which Simpson calls Bush “Dubya-Wubya”, and Bush calls Simpson “my little neo-con-poop.” The e-mails begin in January 2005 through February of 2006 and range from the silly to the steamy.

Reaction by the White House has been swift. According to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, “Just because an e-mail address says doesn’t mean it’s the President. If all things were as they seemed, we would be giving out WMDs as party favors in Iraq.” The usually even-tempered though poor shot Vice President Dick Cheney was equally vocal. “An e-mail that reads, ‘Mr. President, I wish I was a postage stamp, so then you’d have to lick me’ is open to interpretation. Maybe Ms. Simpson and the President share a love of philately.”

A statement from former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, for whom Simpson allegedly left her husband Nick Lachey, involves a torrent of epithets involving George Bush and a camel and a love poem to Simpson written in Sanskrit.

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