Washington — First, the “IndyMac” bank collapsed and was seized by federal regulators on July 11. In 2006, the bank proudly supplied more mortgages to morons who couldn’t afford them than any other bank in the country. Two short years later, the chickens having come home to roost, its 200,000-plus customers were bailed out by the FDIC to the tune of $8.9 billion.
Then, on Sept. 6, “Fannie Mae” and “Freddie Mac,” poster children of social engineering projects aimed at shoving the “American Dream” past the inconvenient barrier commonly known as reality, received their own corpulent rescue plans from the government. The ultimate price tags on those bailouts are undefined.
Now, it’s “WaMu’s” turn. While it may sound like a snippet of toddler-talk, “WaMu” is actually the latest holder of the record for largest bank failure in U.S. history. It had $307 billion in assets prior to its FDIC bailout, which was announced today.
“We might as well come clean,” said FDIC Chair Share Alibi. “People are withdrawing money and burying it in their backyards for no rhyme or reason, which causes a positive feedback loop of retarded paranoia.
“The bottom line is if your money is not in a bank that sounds like it came out of a children’s storybook, you have no need to worry. I cannot underscore this point enough: if your bank doesn’t sound like babytalk, stop panicking.”
Some analysts had long argued there was a banking connection between absurd names and a proclivity for failure. “Can you think of more inane, idiotic names than ‘Freddie Mac or Fannie Mae,” asked Sphericle Hawthorn, managing director of Risky Institutionalized Analytics, a firm that reviews FDIC transactions. “The only thing more absurd than these institutions’ names is the fact that they were created in the first place.”
Alibi, the FDIC chair, sought to remind consumers that their money was protected even at the absurdly named institutions, but admitted it might be better in the long run to just “take the money out.”
“You’re gonna have morons all over the country running to the hills, self-feeding this thing,” she said. “We might as well concentrate the panic to the banks that have fundamental problems