Washington, DC (UPSI) – The federal government’s Center for Disease Control this morning reported that President Bush’s final State of the Union address last night had been indirectly linked to 21 deaths nationwide from alcohol poisoning, and cautioned that the number may grow throughout the day. The CDC’s report came as a result of querying available nationwide databases linking together the nation’s Hospital emergency rooms. The victims appeared to have been voluntarily participating in a traditional “State of the Union drinking game” in which they had selected beforehand key words and phrases for which they would have to consume a quantity of alcohol.
“I don’t know if we’ll ever realized the depth and breadth of this unfolding tragedy,” stated Dr. Yumas B. Kreitzei, a CDC researcher. “It appears that a lot of people had attempted to play safe, and not choose words and topics such as the economy, anticipating that this is where Bush would concentrate his speech. They instead chose topics such as terrorism, thinking that this had been exhausted in previous speeches and that the president would not choose to wallow in abject failure. They chose wrong. With the highest concentration of his speech dwelling on terrorism at an estimated 23 references, this resulted in lethal blood-alcohol concentrations of .4 in some victims.”
Dr. Kreitzei went on to say that the number of casualties would likely grow throughout the day as would the numbers of those severely sickened and injured. “If you do the potential math here,” added Kreitzei, “this will be a severe one day blow to the economy, factoring in lost employee production, sick leave, and health-care costs. It could easily negate the president’s proposed $150 billion economic stimulus package.”
Kreitzei went on to say that the CDC would be referring their findings to the Justice Department to see if charges needed to be pressed against the Bush administration.
“I guess I’m one of the lucky ones,” stated Ben Latten, a 45-year-old import/export executive from New York. “I was looking to have a little fun last night, so I chose the economy. I had about three shots at the start of his speech and that was it. My friend, our designated driver, chose terrorism just to play along. He’s in the intensive care unit this morning suffering from water intoxication… the doctors say he’s probably going to be okay.”