Finally, A Way To Win In Iraq

You know me and the sad little serious pieces I keep posting on this satire site. People come here for a laugh and a lighthearted and skewed view of the world. I know my editors would be happier if I just wrote some good jokes and got on with it. So why do I insist on boring everyone with my doom and gloom whining? Quite simply put, it’s because they let me. So it’s their fault. Now, let’s talk about winning the war. Bush and Cheney keep challenging us to come up with a better plan; well, here’s mine.

Yesterday, I was watching that other, far more dangerous whiner, George W. Bush, giving a press conference to some group or another…quite frankly, like most Americans these days, I don’t really pay attention to who he’s talking to or what he’s saying anymore. But for some reason my Time Warner television on screen program guide wasn’t working, so to get from the re-run of The Nanny (which is a wonderful show to watch with the mute on) to a re-run of Charmed (same thing) I had to manually go through every channel. God, I may as well still have to crank my telephone and ask Sadie to connect me with my party. Anyway, there he was, babbling about…what? I un-muted the thing and watched with a touch of nostalgia, remembering the good old days of impending invasions, torture scandals and illegal wire taps.

Well, it was nothing like that; just old Georgie droning on again about not letting our enemies use Iraq as their new base of operations just because we fucked the occupation up and let them. He said we have to keep fighting until we win. Actually, I thought, that may be true…after all, once we leave Iraq and all the slaughter of sectarian warfare behind, no believes that the whichever group emerges as dominant, they’re going to like America very much, so our withdrawal from the Middle East debacle will leave the US in a far worse position than before we started. While we might deserve it for our hubris, it still will hurt us in the end. Still, how can we ever win?

We’ve changed everything about our invasion of Iraq. We’ve changed the reasons we started the war in the first place, we’ve changed the Iraqi’s we’ve supported to lead the new and improved nation, we’ve changed all of our military and nearly all of our civilian leaders both in-country and here at home. We’ve changed our timeframes, strategies and cost estimates. There’s really only one thing that’s stayed the same…Dick Cheney and George W. Bush.

Now, I’d love to actually win this war. No one wants to be a loser and we American’s especially do so love a winner. But, given that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney, two men with absolutely no military capabilities, are the ones leading us in the war, there really is no way to emerge victorious. Can you imagine if Bush was leading us in WWII? We’d be saying danke schoen and auf wiedersein a lot. But since I really don’t think either Dick or the Decider are going to voluntarily resign, the only way to win in Iraq is to change the only thing we haven’t changed so far…them. And we really can’t wait until November of 2008 to do it either. Any chance at some sort of victory, no matter how anemic, will be long gone by then.

So it’s time to impeach the little jerks, despite Nancy Pelosi’s assurances to the contrary. This is one statement I don’t mind Democrats being labeled ‘flip-floppers’ on. We owe it to the memories of all of those brave soldiers who have given their lives and limbs in this misbegotten adventure. We owe it to ourselves and to the world.