French Nuke Escapes Police Roadblock on Branscombe Beach

Cornwall, England (Rotters) – A spokesperson for the Devon and Cornwall police today reluctantly admitted that unidentified looters had made off with a low yield French nuclear weapon. Officers had begun manning checkpoints and roadblocks to stem the tide of beachcombers cracking open beached cargo containers and making off with merchandise from the stranded French cargo ship, the Napoli. The device apparently made it past the system of roadblocks late last night.

The Maritime and Coastguard Agency issued a stern warning to those insistent upon the continued pillaging of the washed up containers. “That’s all we need is for some cheeky bloke to set this thing off for shits and giggles”, said an MCA spokesperson. “Talk about your environmental impact.”

British authorities insisted that all would be forgiven if the person or persons responsible would simply return the 10 kt device to Branscombe Beach.

In a latebreaking update to the story, a rival news agency is reporting that the device in question has now surfaced for sale on eBay. Bidding is reported to be spirited, with the latest offer from an anonymous middle eastern account holder at $20 million. A barter offer of a direct swap for 30 years of exclusive oil rights in an undisclosed country is reportedly being considered as well.