Frist quits presidential bid : "Jon Stewart is in so I'm out"

WASHINGTON (UCS News) — Wanting to return to his roots as a “healer,” Republican Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist said Wednesday that he will not seek the presidency in 2008. Those close to Frist admit “He was haunted by visions of meeting Jon Stewart is a debate.”

Frist, a renowned heart surgeon, said he and his wife, Karyn, were taking “a sabbatical from public life.” “At this point, a return to private life will allow me to return to my professional roots.” A source close to Frist told Unconfirmed Sources that he made the decision not to seek the presidency because he wants to “reconnect with his passion” performing show tunes in drag.

According to Washington insiders The GOP had little faith that Frist could withstand the verbal barrage that Jon Stewart is capable of. Frist has shown himself to be a capable politician while in the majority, but with the Republicans failing he would not be able to operate effectively.

Stewart was reached in his New York Studio for comment, “I regret that I will be unable to punish such a colorless and dour pseudo human like Frist, but then again god has been cruel enough, there really is no need for me to pile on.” Apparently The Stewart Colbert campaign was looking forward to publicly humiliating First in the opening weeks of the 2008 Presidential race.