Gas, Cash, Sticky Buns and George W. Bush Reads Your Emails: Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: 12/…

Keep On Truckin:

General Motors has announced a new marketing campaign set to begin on New Years Eve that will tout their 2006 model Chevy Tahoe as a fuel efficient SUV. At 16 mpg city and 22 mpg highway, GM is pointing to the fact that this mileage is the best in it’s class, which also includes the Abrams M1A1 tank, all Kenworth tractor trailer trucks and the Boeing 727. A spokesman for the company, when asked if GM really believed that 16 mpg could ever be considered fuel efficient in this day and age said, ” Well, sure. And anyway, like the Toyota Prius, our new Tahoe’s are hybrids, kinda. If you can’t find enough gasoline to actually drive it on the road, you can fill it with dirt and it makes a dandy planter.” GM’s stock has set new records on the news; the company is losing money faster than ever.

Hit Send:

The furor over President George W. Bush’s domestic spying program is continuing with calls for Senate investigations coming from both Republican and Democratic lawmakers. In a recent press conference President Bush was asked about the effect these latest revelations have had on his already dwindling poll numbers. “I’ve always said I don’t need polls to tell me what Americans are thinking,” Mr. Bush responded, “After all, you can find out pretty much everything you need to know just by reading peoples emails.”

Shop Owner: “Keep Your Hands Off My Buns.”

A Nashville, Tennessee coffee shop owner is mourning over the theft of a cinnamon bun that bore a striking resemblance to the late Mother Theresa. The bun, which was baked in 1996 and immediately deemed to be a miracle by the shop owner who made it, as sales of the tee shirts, coffee mugs and prayer cards containing it’s image made him a pot of money (and what’s more miraculous than that?) at least until Mother Theresa herself wrote him a letter and asked him to cut it the fuck out. The shop owner is worried that the bun was stolen by a real Christian with the aim of destroying it, which would leave only the Jesus toast in Florida as the only edible proof that God exists and has a really warped sense of humor.

Has Anyone Seen My Wallet?:

Mayor Michael Bloomberg said that due to the three day Transit Workers Union strike last week New York City has lost one billion dollars. Frantic New Yorkers have been searching trash bins, sock drawers and under seat cushions in an effort to find the missing money, but personally I think it’s a waste of time