The American Psychological Association (APA) proudly announced today that psychiatrists have succeeded in changing the sexual orientation of gays and lesbians to heterosexual.
“I am now straight and have no more homosexual tendencies!” exclaimed former gay John Bobker. “I used to have sex with guys. Now I love to watch football, hang with the guys and talk about chicks!”
Bobker also stated that he has abandoned fruity cocktails in favor of Budweiser, removed the matching pink drapes from his apartment in favor of plain white window shades and no longer lisps. “Only gays have matching drapes”, an unshaven Bobker stated.
Miriam Plover, an admitted former “diesel dyke”, now claims she enjoys dating men exclusively and has abandoned her former masculine traits. “I grow the best flowers in my back yard. And my dishes? Just look at that shine!” Plover stated as she held up a sparkling white piece of bone china.
Plover had traded in her motorcycle for a Honda Prelude, lost 40 pounds, grown her hair long, shaves her legs and underarms and is in the process of having many of her tattoos removed.
Psychiatrist Sal Johnson claims that behavioral therapy, hormone treatments and, in extreme rare cases, lobotomies and shock therapy have contributed to the success of the treatments.
The Mormon Church has praised the efforts of the APA and suggested that with proper treatments homosexuality could be wiped out within ten years.
“I would rather our priests have sex with women”, said Mormon Church president Thomas Monson as he sipped a fruity cocktail.