(Crandall-VA) Speaking before a gathering of the Cooperative of United National Theologians, George Bush gave thumbs up to a new product by J.W. Childs, the makers of NutraSweet, Neuter Sweet. Neuter Sweet is an artificial sugar substitute that also nullifies sexual desire. “I can assure all you God fearing people,” said Bush, “that this product will get FDA approval, because the young people of this country face two major problems, obesity and promiscuity. This product takes care of the both, and it tastes good too.” Bush then corrected himself. “Not that I know what it tastes like, that would be illegal, and I’m married. No one gelds this stallion from Texas.”
In Phase III clinical human trails, Neuter Sweet has proven to be effective on both of its selling points, according to R.J. Wagner, head of research for J.W. Childs. “In a control group of two males, ages 13-15, given a high speed broadband connection and a GoldPass to 15 adult web sites along side a bowflex, the males given a steady diet of Twinkies with Neuter Sweet lost 35% body fat and gained 60% muscle mass in three weeks”, said Wagner. He added that males given regular Twinkies “gained on average 25 ponds and had to be treated for severe chaffing.”
At the event, Bush remained undeterred regarding Neuter Sweet’s transition into the marketplace given the recent Democratic majority in Congress. “The election is over, but the will of God abiding people is not a matter of election. Your will be done because those Democrats in Congress know you vote, and they will have to deal with you C.U.N.T s.” There was an uncomfortable pause until the group realized this wasn’t an insult, thunderous applause followed.
In a press release, J.W. Childs has already addressed the public’s fear of potential health hazards originally associated with aspartame, the active ingredient in both Nutra and Neuter Sweet. “Initial testing has shown no long term health effects, and the side effect of a continued treatment resulting in a tendency of young male test subjects to castration is being handled by an awareness campaign to bring back the eunuch as a opera Soprano option.”
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