(Washington, D.C.) Former Director of FEMA, Michael “Good Job Brownie” Brown, told CNN that he’s ready to take responsibility for his Katrina “mistake”. But Brown maintained that his former boss Director of Homeland Security, Michael “I have no nickname as of yet” Chertoff, also knew of FEMA’s overwhelmed status. Brown blames the debacle on the “beltway” mentality that Americans “can’t handle the truth.” Mr. Brown, they also can’t handle the loss and disruption of thousands of lives being reduced to a line from a, at best average, Tom “No, I’m not gay” Cruise movie.
(Washington, D.C.) In a related note, a statement from Vice President Dick Cheney’s office on his quail hunting “mistake” of two weeks ago also said that he was ready to own up to his actions. However, Cheney went to say that unwitting bull’s eye, Harry Whittington, should own up to the fact that his standing in the line of fire let “a very big quail get away.”
(Hollywood–CA) At a recent fashion event, Linsday Lohan’s right breast “popped’ out of her dress while she was walking down the runway. Eyewitness said that Lohan very nonchalantly “tucked it back in.” Also model, Paris Hilton, was said to be outraged. “The fashion runway is not the place for nudity”, said Hilton. “That’s what the Internet is for.”
(Washington, D.C.) In a related note, President Bush apologized for an off hand remark he made about the Lohan wardrobe malfunction while he was visiting an assault rifle factory in India. The Bush remark, “well, if we have to have boobs in the media, it might as well be those young, supple and blue vieny kind.” Bush didn’t apologize for the sexiest remark as much as the “rim shot humor”.
(Aurora–CO) A high school teacher has been suspended because of the remarks he made after President Bush’s State of the Union address, which were recorded by a student. The teacher was alleged to have compared Bush to Hitler. Of course, the fact that the student secretly recorded the teacher’s remarks to play for her parents that evening in no way should be interpreted as an administration whose philosophy has imprinted on the nation’s youth that being a member of George Orwell’s Thought Police is okay as long as you’re secretly recording things on a cool cell phone or PDA.
(Vienna–Austria) In yet another related note, Jacob Hitler, fifty-ninth cousin of Adolph Hitler, has filed a lawsuit claiming slander of his family name because of the Bush comparison.
(New Delhi–India) President Bush assured momentary U.S. ally in the War On Terror, India, that while outsourcing can be painful for Americans he believes that “the answer to this problem is [not] to wall off our economy from the world through protectionist policies.” Bush then shocked members of the press when he said that he would no longer support US ports being handled by a U.A.E. owned company. Instead, he would post them on the “for barter” section on Craigslist.
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