George Bush on New York Times Finance Leak: "This is why I don't read."

(Washington, D.C.) “The President did not say, ‘The first time I read in 20 years, and I see this! This is why I don’t read.’ I assure you the President reads. In fact, he loves the TV Guide Crossword.” That was White House press secretary Tony Snow’s answer to a question prompted by an e-mail posted on Defamer.com allegedly written by the President after he discovered the New York Times story uncovering the administration’s covert examination of U.S. bank accounts in an effort to track possible terrorists.

When asked how the e-mail might have been leaked, Snow became agitated. “Maybe I ought to ask you people. There was a time when being a reporter meant having a hot bod and a smooth voice. When did we all get so fixated on words?” A follow-up question, if Snow’s not denying the e-mail was false meant he was acknowledging its legitimacy, was met with “I have such a migraine.”

The alleged e-mail is from IMDPrez@aol.com to a series of undisclosed recipients. It starts: “We’re at war with a bunch of people who want to hurt the United States of America. I can’t remember their names, but trust me. They’re out there. And for newspapers to publish this does great harm. Exactly how, I don’t know. But trust me. It can’t be good. Okay, I got it. Let’s say Osama Bin Laden gets the Times. Bingo, now he knows we’re on to him.”

The President then went into a digression about the new Superman being “a real bad-ass who could only be from Texas.” But it’s the end of the e-mail the media has chosen to highlight, and which caused the White House wagons to circle. “I’m not against reading. But it seems like every time I pick up something with words on it, major toe stub. First, Mom and that National Geographic Ghana issue when I was 10. Then, “My Pet Goat.” Now this. This is why I don’t read.”

After another digression on why the new Superman was “such a bad-ass that he could only be from CRAWFORD Texas”, President Bush is alleged to have concluded, “It would be a better world if all of the printed words were confined to Highlights and Penthouse Forum Letters.”

Calls by the Associated Press to AOL to determine if IMDPrez@aol.com was, in fact, registered to the White House have yet to be answered, and a memo to President Bush on the e-mail matter has yet to be read.

If you want to reach Ed E., e-mail michael.192@gmail.com or visit Attic Witt.

Subscribe to Ed-E-torial Podcast