George Bush Opens And Closes Hurricane Investigation: "It's No Ones Fault"

George W. Bush yesterday both announced that he would head an investigation into his government’s lack of response to Hurricane Katrina and that the investigation was already completed. To the relief of America and the world, President Bush after nearly an hour of exhaustive investigation, was able to announce that no mistakes were made in the aftermath of the hurricane, either by him or anyone else except maybe the Democratic governor of Louisiana, Kathleen Babineaux Blanco.

When asked why the emergency response was so slow, Mr. Bush, speaking to assembled reporters in the Rose Garden said, ” Well, it’s a lifestyle thing really. You know that people in the South are well known for a slow moving, laid back lifestyle and New Orleans is the most laid back place of all. So, out of respect for these good folks, our response was just as laid back. Rescue personnel didn’t want to upset anyone unnecessarily by making them hustle, that would have been rude. All in all, I’m very satisfied with that the response.”

The President’s mother, former First Lady Barbara Bush, while heartily endorsing her little boy Georgie Junior’s findings, also added her own charming and unique view of the situation. While admitting that she was terrified that storm survivors who have been moved to the Astrodome might actually want to stay in Texas, which would mean way too many poor Black Folks becoming residents and possibly screwing up Republican’s carefully crafted voting districts, Mrs. Bush also pointed out how good the refugees had it, saying, “…so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working out very well for them.” The poor Black Folk in the arena responded to Mrs. Bush’s remarks donning bandana’s and aprons, rolling their eyes, waving their arms above their heads and singing Negro Spirituals.

One surprising revelation in the President’s report was the announcement that New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin and Louisiana’s Democratic Governor Kathleen Babineaux Blanco were both killed in the storms aftermath, or at least they would be if they didn’t straighten up and fly right.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “We were nervous for awhile, but thank God George W. Bush was able to set the record straight on who was to blame. By finding that no one was at fault, he’s allowed the American People to shift their focus from a bunch of impoverished Black people back to the real problems facing America…gutting Social Security, packing the Supreme Court and continuing to de-populate Iraq.’