George Bush Pushes Beef With Rice, The Bills Pile Up, Tom Cruise Balks Over South Park and Gray W…

Cooking Up A Foreign Strategy: Condi Tells Taro Aso To Eat It:

United States Secretary Condoleezza Rice took a well earned break from threatening Iran this week in order to threaten Japan over it’s re-instatement of a ban on all U.S. beef imports, something Ms. Rice has found hard to swallow. Telling Japan’s Foreign Minister Taro Aso that the ban was “half-baked”, Ms. Rice went on to claim that Japan’s fears were, “over-done”. Aso responded by saying his people were still grilling American inspectors about the U.S.’s system for checking beef quality, saying the whole thing looked…well, fishy. In other U.S./ Japanese news, Aso and Rice agreed to continue to try to cook up a realignment plan for troops based in Japan that will keep GI’s away from cute Japanese women as much as possible, another meat related issue. President George W. Bush also weighed in, saying that if Japan wouldn’t lift the ban he was going to remove Gray Wolves from the Endangered Species List.

Republican Senate Raises Debt Limit- Happy Days Are Here Again:

In the face of the first ever default on U.S. Treasury Notes in American history, Congress has voted to raise the National Debt Limit to nearly 9 Trillion ($9,000,000,000,000.00) dollars. The nearly Party Line vote of 52-48 allows President Bush to tack an additional thirty thousand ($30,000) dollars of debt onto every man, woman and child in the United States. The increase in the debt limit was accomplished after Congress placed emergency phone call to Visa/Master Card and explained that it needed to raise it’s limit in order to pay for the War in Iraq. Since Mr. Bush took office, Republicans, or the Party of Fiscal Responsibility as they once were jokingly called, has increased the statutory debt limit by nearly three trillion (3,000,000,000.00) dollars. This comes in addition to President Bush just giving away nearly all of the 237 billion ($237,000,000,000.00) budget surplus left to him by the Clinton Administration. The White House celebrated the newly found money by defeating an effort by Congressional Democrats to add 1.2 billion (1,200,000,000.00) for domestic security programs and asking Congress to remove Gray Wolves from the Endangered Species List.

Lots of Thugs, Losers and Dead Enders, But No Insurgents:

Approximately 1,500 American and Iraqi troops continued to scour the villages and fields north of the Iraqi capital Baghdad during Operation Swarmer. While finding a portion of the 350 tons of explosives that General Tommy Franks allowed to slip through his fingers at the start of the invasion and which Iraqi insurgents have slowly been giving back in the form of roadside bombs, the combined U.S./Iraqi forces have so far found no actual insurgents, leading Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to conclude that the insurgency actually never happened in the first place and all those American and Iraqi deaths since the invasion began were the result of ‘slip and fall’ accidents rather than a poorly planned occupation. Expressing relief at the news, the newly installed Iraqi Congress asked President George W. Bush to remove Gray Wolves from the Endangered Species List.

Tom’s Cruising Again?:

And finally (to which we all say, Thank Christ) representatives for Tom Cruise have flatly denied that the tight ass actor had nothing to do with Comedy Central pulling a re-run of a South Park episode that suggested Mr. Cruise was queer as a three dollar bill and derided Scientology as a “religion”, which it’s really not. Word is that homo-phobic Cruise threatened to cancel an upcoming promotional tour plugging his latest self-stroking vehicle, Mission Impossible III, subtitled, Here We Go Again, an allegation that the Gay Communities fantasy boy toy flatly denies but no one believes.

South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone sent a letter to Variety saying: “So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun!