George Bush says, "No Shiite", KFC has a secret, Mardi Gras Parade Floats REALLY float and Lindsa…

(Baghdad–Iraq) Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice condemned the bombing of the Shiite Golden Mosque today saying, “I think it’s not surprising that people who don’t want the political process to go forward are going to try and find some way to set Iraqis against Iraqis.” And then not knowing her microphone was still live added, “sh*t,if we could have done that three years ago, we wouldn’t be here now.”

(Washington, D.C.) When asked for his reaction about the Shiite Mosque, President Bush flew into a rage. “Those folks respected that mosque; there’s no need for that type of language!”

(Louisville–KY) Fans of KFC will get an extra reward if they watch a commercial for the chicken cartel closely because hidden in the commercial is a coupon for KFC’s new 99-cent Snacker. The spot is scheduled to air during NBC’s Winter Olympics, which prompted Scott Bergren, KFC’s Chief Marketing Officer to say; “now if we could just get anyone to watch the Olympics, we’d be okay.”

(Washington, D.C.) In a related note, George Bush denied allegations that if played backwards his State of the Union message shows the phrase “mission accomplished–really” on TV screens. At a press conference yesterday, Bush said, “The American public can rest assured that no matter how many times they listen to my speeches they’ll see and hear absolutely nothing.

FLASH–TERROR ALERT ELEVATED–DICK CHENEY TO GO HUNTING THIS WEEKEND–FLASH

(Richmond–VA) Judge James Spencer ruled that BlackBerry manufacturer Research in Motion would not have to shut down all of the phone/e-mail handheld devices. Actually, he did order a BlackBerry shut down; but since no one had e-mail or cell phone access, they never got the message.

(New Orleans–LA) Despite Katrina, Mardi Gras is underway. However, there will be some changes. This year, there will only be eight days instead of eleven, the number of parades will be twenty-eight instead of thirty-four and only women between the ages of nineteen and twenty-five will be flashing breasts.

(New York–NY) In the March issue of Allure magazine, Teen Queen Lindsay Lohan says she’s had it with being called a Teen Queen. The Teen Queen said that as a Teen Queen she has gone through so much, and the Teen Queen label just doesn’t fit. The Teen Queen would prefer to be called something more fitting to her new image…slut.

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