George Bush- “The End of the World is Near!”
United States President George W. Bush, speaking at the swearing in ceremony of Alberto Gonzales as Attorney General, has called for a renewal of the notorious USA Patriot Act. Mr. Bush called on Congress to not only renew all the existing provisions of the Bill, but to extend already the sweeping law enforcement powers contained therein. Mr. Bush said, “We must not allow the passage of time or the illusion of safety to weaken our resolve in this new war. Don’t you understand? You’re all gonna die! You’re children and families are gonna die! They’re coming for us even as I speak! Murder! War! Pestilence! The Seven Horsemen! Arrgghh!” At this point Mr. Bush fell to the floor foaming at the mouth and began speaking in tongues. The White House has vowed to Veto any relaxation of the current law, no matter how rational or well thought out.
More Chinese Blow Up (Again):
China’s mining industry has suffered another major accident with an explosion that has killed at least two hundred miners in the Liaoning Province. This is the worst disaster since the last one and will remain the worst until the next one. However, it is still safer to be a Chinese miner than it is to be an Iraqi civilian.
WAR- Take Your Pick:
The Bush Administration, unable to decide which new war the American people would support, is backing off Iran and North Korea for a week or so in order to blame Syria for the car bombing that killed former Lebanese Prime Minister Rafik Hairiri. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “We in the Administration are committed to keeping the American people safe and to that end we are just as committed to attacking someone…anyone during this term. I personally like North Korea, but Donny (Secretary of De(fe)nse Donald Rumsfeld) thinks Syria would be more fun. I don’t know, maybe he’s right. Taking over Syria would give us some great beach front property in Lebanon essentially for free, which is nice. Plus, North Korea doesn’t have shit in the way of natural resources.”
Of Course, We Can Always Just Blow Ourselves Up:
And finally, the latest Star Wars Missile System program test has proved to be a resounding success, with the failure of the eighty five million dollar test due to a technical glitch in the bunker. The mock ballistic target missile was however successfully launched from Kodiak Island, Alaska; it landed for the third time on the home of Festus P. Hyman of Billings, Montana. Mr. Hyman is reportedly getting quite annoyed as his home keeps getting destroyed as soon as it is rebuilt. Mrs. Hyman was luckily still in the hospital as a result of the last time a missile hit her home being treated for shock and awe; Mr. Hyman reportedly has no plans to tell of of this latest hit to their homeowner policy as she voted for John Kerry and Mr. Hyman is a rabid Bush supporter.