George Bush to Insurgents: We're Coming for You

President George W. Bush has issued his sternest warning yet to insurgents: to lay down their weapons and work with him or face military retribution. The warning was met with scorn by anti-Bush forces in Boston, New York, Chicago and San Francisco, who vowed to fight on.

Democratic Fighters in the northeastern and western areas of the country have vowed to continue opposition to President Bush’s attempts at nation building, citing the fact that a bare fifty one percent of the country were behind his vision of a Conservative Christian Coalition Paradise (CCCP) to replace the now apparently outdated United States Of America.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said at a briefing yesterday, ” If you look at a map of the country the CCCP controls a vast majority of the land. We’ve been able to completely secure the Southern and Central parts of the country and have cut off the Western insurgents from those in the Northeast. It’s really just a matter of time before the entire place falls into line.”

Insurgents in the Northeast and West have pointed out that while the Bush Administration does indeed control a vast majority of the real estate in the country, most of it’s major population centers remain firmly under the control of Liberal Fighters who vowed yesterday to continue the struggle.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” Sooner or later you Liberal scum are gonna have to realize that the country has moved beyond you and your bleeding heart compassion and live and let live attitudes. It’s time for some old fashioned Bible thumping and we’re the ones who’re gonna be doing the thumping. America is the land of the free…and that means we’re free of queers, atheists, loose women and democracy. It’s time to put government back where it belongs…in the bedroom. It’s also time to get religion back where it should be…in the courts and public schools. And don’t bother trying to run to Canada; once we’ve taken care of Baghdad, Ottawa’s next on our List.