George "Sulu" Takei Chosen By Dick Cheney To Replace Lewis "Scooter" Libby

(Washington, D.C.) Vice President Dick Cheney has decided to go where no Republican has gone before–a gay man as his Chief of Staff. George “Sulu” Takei will replace Lewis “Scooter” Libby, who was indicted by a grand jury in the leak of C.I.A. operative Valerie Plame to the media. Cheney, flanked by Takei and President George Bush, pulled no punches at a press conference about his choice. “This man was in the closet for 68 years. He doesn’t kiss and tell, literally.”

Takei served on the Los Angeles City council in 1973, but he was still surprised by the choice. “I got the call from the Vice President right in the middle of my Pilates work out. You could have knocked me over with a phaser set to feather duster. Had I known that coming out would have launched me on a political career, I would have done it years ago, so I could have said ‘Screw you dinner theater.’ Who do I look like? Tab Hunter!”

The Vice President’s former Chief of Staff, Libby, issued this statement: “I stand behind George Takei, because I’m sure not going to stand in front of him. I apologize. As you can imagine, this is a very difficult time for me. Unlike Mr. Takei, I am not looking forward to prison life. That said, out of all the original Enterprise cast, I can think of no better choice.” In a reaction to the statement, Takei exhibited an un-Sulu like response. “And they say gay people can’t keep secrets. And did he lie! This man lied more than the rug on Bill Shatner’s head!”

President Bush immediately voiced his support for Takei. “Where would the Enterprise have been without Sulu? Lost. And George Takei is a man of both direction and directness. And when my Christian Republican colleagues say to me: ‘But he’s gay.’ I say: ‘We could all use a little happiness around here.'”

Bush was then asked that with half of his administration leaking classified information and the other half obstructing justice to cover it up how could the American people ever feel confident that the information on weapons of mass destruction used to wage war and depose Saddam Hussein was even true; and, further, how could they ever trust any information that comes from the White House again? Bush turned to Takei and said: “Beam me up, Sulu.”

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