George W. Bush admits : Iraq War Tortures My Soul

(UCS News : Wheeling, W. Va.) President George W. Bush continues his effort to gain support for the War in Iraq today in Wheeling, W. Va. In a town hall meeting of carefully screened Republican war supporters, The President made his case for continuing the unpopular conflict. To the surprise of those attending, The President diverged from the scripted content and tearfully admitted “The War is torturing my soul.”

The audience was shocked but steadfastly continued on with the pre-approved pre-scripted questions. After a few moments of what appeared to be quiet introspection the president launched into a tirade accusing the Democrats of supporting terror and “wasting time on civil liberties”. The Presidents’ awkward behavior has prompted some to question the Presidents’ mental health.

Noted Psychologist, Kay Cox, has researched the Presidents lifestyle and come to some new conclusions. “It’s clear to everyone the President has been lying, I can’t say if it’s chronic or pathological but each can have terrible effects on the brain.” She said off the record, “responsibility for the wars horrors has put blood on his hands and this would indeed torture his soul.”

Reacting to Dr. Cox’s theory, White House Spokesman, Scott McClellan, explained The Presidents’ tortured soul is not affecting his job performance. “It is not really possible, The President had his soul removed and at his request, it was transfused into a 47 Kilogram block of aged Danish Mycella cheese in the fall of 2004.” According to McClellan, the Mycella Cheese is a creamy version of Danish Blue, not as salty but still very sharp and “very tasty”. The procedure was done at Walter Reed Hospital when the death toll of American troops topped 1000.

Those close to the President say he is in much better spirits now that his soul has been removed. A White House staffer agreed, “it was a heavy burden to carry, but with it lifted, he can now continue with his unpopular domestic agenda and failed war policy.” Others fear his soul will be destroyed if the President continues on the current path. Doctors attending the Presidential soul at Walter Reed Hospital have confirmed the long term prognosis is not good but at the time this report was fabricated the Presidents soul is said to be “resting comfortably but under heavy sedation and moderate refrigeration”.