Unconfirmed sources report that the President and Republican Congressional leaders have publicly apologized to the Schiavo family for taking advantage of their suffering to score political points. The extraordinary press conference has held at the White House and featured direct apologies as well as a tearful plea for forgiveness from the President himself. Teri Schiavo’s parents could not be reached for comment as they were too busy begging the courts to reinsert their daughter’s feeding tube.
“I’m real sorry,” stated the President through tears of remorse. “we Republicans have done a bad thing. We’ve taken advantage of your family’s suffering to score points with our pro-life conservative base. We have been so hypocritical in fighting for your daughter’s life, while at the same time we try to cut the funding that pays for her care. It’s sad. We are just a bunch of political grandstanders who don’t really give a damn about your daughter, but are simply using you and her for our own ends.
“I’m proud to be Republican.” Said Senator Joe Lieberman. “I’m proud to belong to a party that knows when it is being manipulative and hypocritical and has the inner strength to admit it. Sure we are using the whole Schiavo thing to whip up the American public into a mindless frenzy, but what is wrong with that. “
“I was weak.” Cried the repentant Tom Delay. “I’m a bad man. I used the suffering of others to further my own political ambitions and keep people from thinking about how much of a criminal I am. I just couldn’t help myself. It was just there, an opportunity to make some political hay, so I did. Was it unethical to exploit these people? I think I had better talk to the House ethics committee to see.”
When the press conference ended the assembled lawmakers exited the White House as group to attend a pray service for Teri Schiavo hosted by FOX News.