George W. Bush Appoints Charles Manson to Lead Office for Victims of Crime

Unconfirmed sources report that The President will name convicted murder Charles Manson to head the government’s Office for Victims of Crime. The appointment, yet another in a string of bold personale choices by the President, should have Manson installed in his new office in time for National Crime Victims’ Rights Week, April 10-16, 2005.

“George W. Bush has done it again.” Said respected right wing trouble maker Andrew Sullivan. “Just when you thought you have seen it all, the President pulls yet another rabbit out of his hat. I have to say that the Presidents recent appointments of Hughes, Bolton and Wolfowitz made me a little crazy, but the Manson choice makes everything clear to me. And no, I don’t think the President is crazy for appointing people to run things they hate. I see now that the President is choosing people who have been on the other side of an issue to make it easier for the opposing sides to find the middle ground. Bold. Very bold.”

“I have to say that Manson wasn’t my first choice to run the Office for Victims of Crime.” Admitted outgoing out-going director Frank Lee Looney. “I thought for a minute the President must be crazy, but now I understand. Who better really to empathize with a victim of a crime than a perpetrator. Manson should really be able to listen to a victim of crime and truly understand where that person is coming form. The President is brilliant for choosing Manson. I see it now.

Manson, who was serving a life sentence for grisly series of murders in 1969, will be pardoned by the President and released in time to be sworn in for National Crime Victims’ Rights Week. Manson will have a very busy schedule for the week is packed full of special events to support the victims of crime.

Manson could not be reached for comment, he is in solitary confinement for stabbing a guard, but his lawyer released a statement from Manson in regards to his new Presidential appointment.

“Mr. and Mrs. America–you are wrong. I am not the King of the Jews nor am I a hippie cult leader. I am what you have made me and the mad dog devil killer fiend leper is a reflection of your society. . .Whatever the outcome of this madness that you call a fair trial or Christian justice, you can know this: In my mind’s eye my thoughts light fires in your cities.”

In other news the President has appointed Sister Souljah to head the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights.