George W. Bush, Britney Spears and Bono: Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs- Monday, March 07, 2005

Christians Persecuted:

Conservative Christian Groups are up in arms about plans to display the Code of Hammurabi and the Magna Carta next to the Ten Commandments on some court house lawns. The idea of grouping together all the major codifications of the laws that shaped western society throughout the ages was meant to be a way to avoid labeling the Ten Commandments as a purely religious symbol, thereby quelling any uproar over their display on government properties. However, Christian groups are threatening legal action to ban the display of “Counter-Christian Propaganda”, vowing to bring the matter all the way to the Supreme Court, at least as soon as President George W. Bush gets a chance to rid the bench of Liberal Justices.


The Administration of George W. Bush has decided to allow the CIA to send terror suspects overseas for interrogation in countries whose rules on torture are more lax than ours such as Egypt, Saudi Arabia and the Duchy of Monaco. The process of shipping American detainees to other countries to be physically beaten and mentally slapped about is known by the somewhat innocuous term, “Rendition”. Officials are adamant in their denial that prisoners have been subjected to actual torture, but with Alberto Gonzales as America’s Attorney General, few have any real idea what exactly the Administrations concept of torture actually is. Stories have emerged of intense psychological torture, such as interrogators playing Michael Jackson’s Thriller and anything by Britney Spears at top volume or the entire first season of The Apprentice back to back. If true, the allegations would certainly be actionable in the World Court as cruel and unusual.

Bono the Banker:

Rumor has it that U2 singer Bono is in line to head the World Bank. The post will be open this June 1st and in interviews US Treasury Secretary John Snow refused to rule out the Irish rock superstar. However, there are several factors that could eliminate the contender. The fact that he’s caring, intelligent and liberal are definitely considered minuses by the Bush Administration, but hopes are that he can be co-opted as quickly as possible.

Freedoms On The March:

The Bush Administrations lack of a game plan for getting Syria out of Lebanon seems to be proceeding apace. After definitely not having anything to do with the massive car bombing that killed former Lebanese President Rafik al-Hariri, an act which has been attributed to Syrian President Bashar al-Assad even though there is no way that he would have gained any strategic value from the murder, the United States has stood quietly by and never in any way has offered any support to the growing Lebanese protests demanding Syria’s withdrawal. The plan, which the Administration doesn’t have, is working so well that various foreign leaders are beginning to worry.