United States President George W. Bush addressed the Southern Baptist Convention this week and re-iterated his support for funding Faith Based Initiatives. Speaking via an audio visual hookup Mr. Bush told the assembled Christian people, ” A compassionate society protects and defends its most vulnerable members at every stage of life. Now, don’t misunderstand me… I’m not talking about stopping the execution of mentally impaired prisoners with IQ’s of sixty five, after all I got to be President with an IQ lower than that, or making beating the crap out of Gay folks or Muslims or Blacks illegal or anything crazy like that. I’m talking about giving Christians money, a simple payback for the election, that’s all.”
The Southern Baptists are still the nations largest Christian denomination, but internal Church reports have documented a steady decline in new membership; the hope is that President Bush’s call for increased funding will allow them to buy a few more baptisms, much like the President’s “If you vote for me I’ll give you a three hundred dollar tax rebate” program in the 2000 elections.
During his address President Bush said, “It’s better to kill a hundred thousand innocent Iraqi men, women and children than to allow a single stem cell to be used in the attempt to find a cure for Multiple Sclerosis, Alzheimer’s or being John Bolton. Of course, if Congress continues in it’s wrongheaded attempt to save lives by voting for stem cell research and a cure for one of these diseases is eventually found, I encourage every Christian who fought such research to take full advantage of whatever cure that comes along. After all, Christianity is all about forgiveness and salvation, so we should be able to forgive ourselves for all the lives we’ve cost while we fought against stem cell research and save ourselves.”
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” All’s President Bush is trying to o is help deliver the message that Christianity pays, but somehow, when you talk about it, it sounds sleazy. And by the way, where the hell have I been? You haven’t used me in weeks. What do you think, you can just ignore me until you feel like using me to make up a quote? Well, buddy, I’ve got news for you…” At this point the article ended.