George W. Bush Calls Press Conference : Begs Forgiveness from Americans and God

(Washington D.C. : Ucs News) Unconfirmed Sources report The President will ask the nation and the Lord God for forgiveness. A leaked draft of the Presidents speech details a laundry list of actions that weigh heavily on the Presidents eternal soul as the Iraq war drags on. A side note on the draft speech notes the George W. Bush will be kneeling as he asks for forgiveness.

With polling numbers slipping below 25% George W. Bush will be trying to get the Lord God and the public on his side supporting the Iraq war. In effort to improve his standing the President will beg forgiveness for the deaths of 3253 Americans in Iraq, the wounding of over 46,000 Americans in Iraq and the deaths of over 60,00 innocent Iraqi men, women and children.

To save his soul from damnation the President will also express remorse for trashing the Geneva Conventions, legalizing torture and “the unfortunate events that took place as Abu-Grab.” According to staffers the President has been listless and upset as the course of the war turns from failure to failure to failure.

Those close the President also report he feels increasingly lonely is his war crusade. Although John McCain stands with the President, Mr. Bush believes McCains support for the war is partisan election politics and not a Holy Christian Crusade for oil.

In his closing remarks the President will ask the nation to pray for “a resounding Republician victory in 2008” and that we “may secure the flow of Iraqi oil as soon as humanly possible…Amen”