United States President George W. Bush and his chief advisor Karl Rove, far from being worried about the November mid term Congressional elections, seem to be absolutely upbeat about GOP prospects in both the House and Senate. In yet another Roe Garden press conference, Mr. Bush confidently predicted that his and Donald Rumsfeld’ direction of the War in Iraq will result in victory, Republicans will sweep the November elections and actually gain seats in both Houses and that the New York Yankees will win the World Series in 2006.
As confused reporters attempted to point out to the President that the Civil War in Iraq, according to a recently released Intelligence Estimate, was actually making the United States less safe, that the GOP was looking at losing, not gaining seats in November and that the Yankees were already out of the World Series, a determined Mr. Bush brushed aside their assertions with wit and charm. Laughing, he said, “Why, the Yankees not being in the Series would be as unthinkable as…I don’t know…one of their pitchers flying a plane into a Manhattan building. I mean, it’s crazy.”
While common logic has the control of the House of Representatives and possibly even the Senate swinging towards the Democrats in November, the question must be asked; what do George W. Bush and Karl Rove know that we don’t? Why are they so confident?
Newly named Unnamed White House Source JA Nudder, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “In a word…Diebold voting machines. We’re hoping that the CEO of Diebold, that lovely man Walden O’Dell, is once again stepping up to the plate just as he did in the 04 elections. By refusing to make his machines able to issue voting receipts and accurate zeroing before use, he assures us that we can win every election with whatever majority we ask him for. Since this election is really a referendum on the Presidency of George W. Bush, we’ve asked for an 80% majority. We feel that’s fair. America needs to show it’s wholehearted support of George Bush, even if they don’t support him at all. George Bush needs to know that Americans are saying they support him, even if he’s never listened to a word they’ve ever said.”
When questioned as to whether Bush’s Base, the Christian Conservatives, would actually come out to the polls on election day or stay home in disgust, Nudder, speaking on the condition that he’ll be the first one to turn state’s evidence in any future impeachment proceedings in exchange for clemency said, “That’s the best part! The Base doesn’t have to turn out anymore…Diebold will do the voting for them. It’s fast, it’s easy and it’s the ultimate form of representative government…you’re represented whether you bother to vote or not, so go shopping, watch television, bomb an abortion clinic…who cares? We do it all for you.”
Since this websites support of President George W. Bush is longstanding and well known, we have decided not to report the Diebold/Bush vote fraud scandal until after the mid term elections, so if you’re reading this, stop now and pretend you’ve been reading old Beetle Bailey cartoons for the last four and half minutes instead. For the good of our country, for the good of Sarge, Otto, General Halftrack and that slutty secretary…wait, where was I?