WASHINGTON – Calling the dollar’s “cheesy appearance” the main reason for its poor showing against the euro in world financial markets, President George W. Bush told reporters yesterday that he plans to ask Congress to pass legislation authorizing the replacement of George Washington’s image on the dollar with a photo of NASCAR icon Dale Earnhardt Sr.
“The American people deserve a dollar that’s a winner,” said the president. “How can we expect our dollar to compete against the euro when our dollar looks like somebody’s weird Uncle Bob dressed up for the Halloween dance at the senior center?”
According to Bush, he first became aware of “the big difference” between the dollar and the euro on his recent trip to Europe. “Those international monetary folks are a lot more style conscious than we are,” said the president. “I think our dollar’s at a disadvantage because the guy on it has bad hair and wooden teeth. If you ask me, that’s why other countries are turning to the euro as their reserve currency of choice.”
Bush also decried the use of “Latin mumbo jumbo” on the back of the dollar. “Hardly nobody speaks Latin anymore,” he said. “It’s just about a dead language. If we insist on using it, the dollar will soon be dead too.”
Despite the president’s enthusiasm for “cutting edge currency,” the movement to redesign the dollar met with immediate resistance in some quarters. The Reverend Jesse Jackson said that any dollar with “another dead white dude” on it was still “funny money, honey.”
Speaking at a vote fraud conspiracy rally in Cincinnati, Ohio, this morning, Jackson thundered, “The black man in this country will never be free as long as he is refused a seat on the legal tender bus.”
Jackson is said to prefer his own photo for inclusion on the dollar. Failing that, he would like to see a portrait of the late Martin Luther King Jr. on the bill. Christian groups, meanwhile, argue that Americans’ widespread belief in angels makes theirs the best face to put on the dollar.
The Earnhardt dollar also faces competition from the Lotto-Dollar, which Delaware senator Joe Biden has been touting as a “a kick-ass competitor” to the euro. The Lotto-Dollar would be sold for $1.50 at existing lottery outlets, with proceeds going toward reducing the deficit.
“The Lotto-Dollar would function as the present dollar does,” Biden explained, “but the Lotto-Dollar would have a number concealed under that scary-looking eye on the back. Upon scratching the eye, just as you would scratch a lottery ticket, you would find out if your dollar is worth its face value or some other value ranging from $5 to $500-plus a free Big Mac with fries and soda at McDonalds.”
In related news, sources close to the president say he plans to reach out to the gay-and-lesbian community soon by putting “that gay Teletubby” on a three-dollar bill, which would be legal tender in blue states only.