George W. Bush Gets the Flu: Blames John Kerry, Terrorists and His Mom

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan has confirmed that President George W. Bush the has come down with the flu and is blaming John Kerry, International Terrorists and perhaps most surprisingly, his mother Barbara Bush for his illness.

Mr. McClellan said yesterday that the President, “has been a cranky little cowboy for the last three days, coughing, sneezing and pooping uncontrollably. It’s been hard for him to make his political campaign appearances; the Secret Service has had to carry a Porta- Potty around with them and park it next to the President’s podium at every stop. I’ll tell you, sometimes that thing can get pretty rank.”

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” While the President still believes he was chosen by God to be Commander in Chief and that he’s pretty much incapable of making, or at least remembering any mistakes he’s made, he does sort of regret deciding to not get a flu shot this year. He figured not getting one would kill two birds with one stone… he would look pretty good at the debates and his shot could go to his mom which would make him some brownie points with Babs, but as it turns out neither thing really worked out. Being a multi-millionaire and the wife of an ex-President, Babs already has one of the best Health Care Plans on the planet; she got her flu shot in September. As for the debates, well…”

Publicly, the White House is blaming John Kerry, who they insist was working on behalf of International Terrorists ( the Democratic National Committee) when he infected the President on National Television. Apparently, the White House believes that Mr. Kerry had smeared his fingers with the flu virus before shaking hands with Mr. Bush at the third debate. The DNC figured that at one point or another during the night Mr. Bush would stick his fingers in his mouth or nose before he washed his hands. The fact that the President is now ill seems to bear out that supposition.

Waterhouse, speaking on condition that if George W. Bush loses in November that John Kerry gives him an Unnamed Source job continued, “I hope he gets better soon; the poor little dear keeps running to the john which wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t insist on leaving the door open so he can keep talking to us. Luckily, Homeland Security had given us all gas masks so that’s not too bad; the real problem is that twice so far he’s made me go in and clean the bowl. He really needs to learn to flush.”