George W. Bush Gives His Final Campaign Speech

In the final day of campaigning President George W. Bush has pulled out all the stops. In a campaign stop in Wisconsin, Mr. Bush delivered a scathing point by point condemnation of Democratic Presidential hopeful John Kerry.

In his speech, Mr. Bush accused the Democratic Party in general and Massachusetts Senator John Kerry in particular of forcing him to go to war against Iraq. “As the American People know, I was against the war from the start,” said Bush, “I would have never even thought about attacking Saddam Hussein if the Democrats in the House and Senate hadn’t had voted for it. It’s really all their fault and I am opening an investigation to prove that the Democrats and Kofi Annon of the United Nations are behind this huge failure in my intelligence.”

Flashing his trademark smirk Mr. Bush said, “The Democrats manufactured evidence that was designed to whip up fear in the country that Saddam posed a imminent threat. Then they pulled the wool over the Administration’s eyes by telling us that those fears were unfounded, making us believe that they were trying to make us disbelieve the facts that they made up but said were untrue. Don’t you see? It’s all very clear…none of this is my fault.”

The President continued, “As the American People know, I am probably the most peace loving Commander in Chief this country has ever had. I mean, look at my record. Even the idea of serving in the Texas Air National Guard was so repulsive that I went AWOL for a year, while that evil warmonger John Kerry actually volunteered to go to Vietnam and fight for his country. It’s disgusting.”

On the employment front Mr. Bush defended his jobs creation record stating, “My opponent says we’ve lost jobs under my watch…well, that’s just completely false. I’ve created millions of new jobs. Of course they’re all in India, Mexico and China, but how’s that for passing a global test, huh?”

Addressing housing the President said, “Did you know that a whole bunch of Black Folks have been able to buy their own homes since I became President? Isn’t that great? What’s even better is that none of those homes are anywhere near my ranch in Crawford and I hope they’re not near where your live either. Don’t get me wrong; I just love the stuffing outta those people. They make great cannon fod…, uh, soldiers. On the home front, they work cheap and boy, can they flip a burger.”

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on condition of anonymity said, “Sometimes I wonder why we’re even doing this campaign thing. George W. Bush is such a shoo in that we don’t even need the American People to waste their time voting, at least the Democrats. Of course, if Bush loses the popular vote again… hell, even if he loses the Electoral College this time around we still own the Supreme Court and those five votes are all we need, baby.”