George W. Bush Gives Thanks As Deaths Of Terri Schiavo and Pope John Paul Move Attention From Ris…

President George W. Bush attended mass on the day that Roman Catholic Pope John Paul II died and quietly gave thanks to God that that the death of the Pontiff and the controversy surrounding the death of Terri Schiavo has served to deflect the American peoples attention away from the countries economic, employment and intelligence woes. The deaths of these two figures, as well as the Michael Jackson Sexual Molestation Trial, which has occupied the minds of the public over the last several weeks seems to have proved to the President that there is indeed a God and He’s on the side of the Republicans.

Even Democrats are amazed at the Republican Presidents luck these days. In a week that has seen crude oil prices hit $58.00 a barrel, a stock market that has dropped at least 400 points since the start of the year, a blistering report by the WMD Commission that characterized the intelligence used to invade Iraq as “Dead Wrong”, as well as weakening job growth numbers from the latest unemployment report…all things that can ruin a Presidents day… have been mainly ignored by a voting public transfixed by the tragedy of one poor Florida woman, a twisted pop star and a dying Pope.

The problem for the Administration is that they are well aware that these good times can’t last. There are no imminent deaths on the horizon to look forward to. Brad and Jen’s divorce may be too amiable to do any good. But the ace up the sleeve is that people do stupid things and with any luck at all someone famous will kill someone else, or sleep with them, or do something that will deflect peoples minds away from what’s going on out there. As a result, in the corridors of the White House aides are working overtime time with Fox News to come up with anything that may grab the publics imagination and transfer it away from America’s accelerating decline.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “Sure, we’re concerned, but not panicked quite yet. It’s a shame that the Pope and Terri Schiavo had to die so close together…it would have been great to spread that out over a couple weeks…but look at it this way: ask any average American how many of our troops have died in Iraq so far. You’ll be lucky if they get within a hundred. Ask them what Yucca Mountain is, or how a weak dollar hurts their buying capability. Hell, ask them anything that doesn’t have to do with Lacy Peterson, Robert Blake or Charles and Camilla and they’ll be lost. That’s our real blessing and we thank God for the stupidity of our constituents. Hey, you’re not interested in going on a rampage, are you? It would sure help.”