George W. Bush "God Blessed My Torture Bill"

(Washington D.C.) UCS News– The President was thrilled to hear the new torture bill passed out of committee and onto the House floor for debate. According to Duncan Hunter (R-CA), it was “touch and go until those two Democrats went to the toilet.” In a rare procedural move, Republican lawmakers waited until two opposing members left the committee room to relieve themselves. When the two Democrats returned several minutes later the bill had been passed.

While many that watched the events unfold live on C-Span would call it cheating, President Bush called it a blessing. The version of the bill passed by The House Judiciary Committee has made all the torture up to this point retroactively legal and the redefinition of the Geneva Conventions now includes a provision allowing “coercive investigations” to gain secret evidence.

The White House has been pushing the bill as a centerpiece of the renewed war on terror. The President himself was personally invested in the bills passage. “I prayed to God that we would be allowed to tell the American people ‘torture is legal’ ” According the President, Jesus told him to make torture legal so the CIA would not be “committing sins against the Lord”.

Pope Benedict also prayed with the President for the bills passage “As long as Mr. Bush agreed to only torture Muslims.”

The bills fate, however, is still in the hands of the good Lord as it will be debated on the House floor. Republicans lawmakers are now expecting a party line vote will move the bill into conference with the Senate version. In conference, the President expects to see water boarding, hooding and isolation added back into the final bill. With the President and the Popes backing, torture is well on its way to being established as a new Christian and American value. God Bless.