George W. Bush Has Own Ideas on Origins of Life

On Monday President Bush admitted that he has his own ideas about the origins of life and they don’t include evolution, saying schools should only teach theories about storks delivering babies and other ideas simple enough for the American people to understand.

Creationism, intelligent design and other theories are “way to complicated for most people” and scientific theories are “a bunch of hokum,” the president told a group of school children waiting at the National Academy of Sciences in Washington for their teachers to return from the bathroom.

“My theories end where science begins and other stuff shows up out beyond Plutocracy and that other planet Youranus,” Bush said. “The basis of our civilization is simple enough that most people can comprehend and believe as much as the best beliefs can be believed.”

In a question-and-answer session with a group of carefully chosen Texas reporters, Bush appeared comfortable if a bit uneasy delving into questions that made him think too much.

Bush declined to take a stand on his personal views about “creationism” or “intelligent design,” referring all questions to White House spokesman Scotty McFluffy, who explained that the president had forgotten many of his early childhood ideas. Bush attended Phillips Academy in Andover, Mass., a school for America’s privileged elite, as well as visiting Midland, Texas, where boys his age played football for the Midland Lee Rebels and flew the Confederate flag as a team mascot until the 1990s.

Bush said that “creationism” is a good idea but that he first learned about storks bringing babies from holes in the ground when he was recovering from a Southern Baptist Church School in Massachusetts. “The Bible has some big ideas, but this one is bigger than my ranch,” the president said. “Students should be exposed to many ideas but some ideas are better than others and need that guidance thing.”

On Tuesday the president admitted that science is needlessly complex, which is why he relies on lobbyist from oil and drug conglomerates and other large donors to rewrite science reports for the White House to put them in a “more common sensual language.”

“Creationism and intelligent design offer the advantage of an intelligent designer, someone up there with a plan and a big desk with a sign that says, ‘the buck stops here,’ although the stork idea is a good one too,” the president said. “Part of education is to expose people to different schools, which proves something.”

His conservative Christian supporters insisted that the White House weekly Bible study explained “intelligent design” to the president with pictures and charts, and the president’s chief science advisor, John B. Hamburger the Fourth, said Bush “just didn’t get it.””The president has this stork idea in his head and it’s hard to shake,” laughed Hamburger. “Intelligent design is simply a better story than evolution. We will soon release a study showing that the Bible is the basis of our country, which is why we put the Ten Commandments in our court houses and all over public properties in the South.”

Richard Lard, assistant-president at the Southern Baptist Convention, praised Bush’s remarks and insisted that scientists have a liberal bias, which has no basis in science, and scientists should play no role in school science classes.

“They can’t prove a thing,” said Lard. “All they’ve got is theories and what good are theories?”

Advocates of intelligent design claim support from a group of 400 scientists who received Masters Degrees from NPR’s Dr. Science (“I know more than you do because I have a Master’s Degree in Science!). Organized by the Discovery Institute, a church-supported think tank in Seattle, these scientists reject the notion that their ancestors swung from trees and ate bananas.

“The fact is the Bible explains the origin of humans,” said Steve Mayfly, director of the institute’s Cultural War Center. “We have a new TV show hosted by Tammy Faye Baker that exposes Darwin as a stuffy Victorian.”

Bush, who left Tuesday for an extended vacation at his Texas ranch, answered questions from Texas reporters, who pledged not to ask anything difficult. Deflecting, bantering and BS-ing his way through questions, the president said he doesn’t care that most Americans don’t share his views and he plans to declare victory and bring the troops home before the next election.When asked about his promise to fire anyone in the White House who revealed the name of a CIA operative, the president responded with a chuckle, “How can I fire myself?”