Unconfirmed sources from within the White House report that the Bush administration will be doubling the number of CIA analysts it has at its disposal to ignore and blame for its disastrous policies. The administration has been under pressure to take some responsibility for the failures regarding 911 and weapons of mass destruction, but now it doesn’t have to. The new staff members will be added to nearly all CIA offices and will assume the blame for the administrations past failures.
“This is exactly what the CIA needs to get things moving again.” Said the new Director of the CIA, Republican toady Porter Goss. “The morale of the CIA has been at rock bottom as everyone has been blaming us for not stopping 911 and not finding weapons of mass destruction. This program to add analysts will change everything. With more people to blame, the guilt load carried by each staff member will be lightened by half. I have a feeling this is really going to put some spring back into the step of the CIA.”
The plan does some drawbacks, however. With more people actually working at the CIA there will be more people to ignore when the President decides to go off halfcocked and invade yet another country that wasn’t threatening us. White House staffers admit that a bigger CIA could pose some problems on that front, but are confident they can work around them when they need to.
“The President is a man of great certainty.” Said White House spokesmen Ben Lion. “If he wants to believe something that is contrary to the facts he is going to, no matter how many people are telling him otherwise. I don’t think The President is going to have any trouble ignoring this new group of analysts. I mean a man who can ignore his entire cabinet, half the country and the whole world, can ignore anything.”
Washington watcher and partisan hack, David Brooks called the plan the right thing to do at the right time. “Putting more people into the CIA will allow them to accept more blame than they have in the past. I know Porter Goss is saying it will lighten the load, but he is being disingenuous. He and the President wanted very much to expand the amount of blame the CIA could handle.”
“With the addition of several hundred more analysts the CIA is going to be able to take on the blames for three more big scandals and whole passel of little ones.” Continued Brooks. “Will that be enough to keep the administration from sinking under the massive load of scandal that is coming? Only time will tell.”