George W. Bush: I Have a ManDate

At a rare news conference celebrating his re-election President George W. Bush said he had a clear Mandate from the country to pursue his policies on everything from Iraq to the economy. Much to the surprise of the White House however, Conservative Christian groups reacted with shock and dismay over the statement.

Ralph Reed, the head of the Christian Coalition, issued a statement last night which said in part, “We did not support and help re-elect George W. Bush so he could start having Man Dates. Homosexuality is an abomination before God and for the President to sit there in the White House and tell the world he would be dating men…well, we just flipped out, I tell you, especially with Laura right there and all.”

Speculation is rampant in Washington DC’s Gay Community over who Mr. Bush would pick to be his first Man Date. Christopher Street, a local hairdresser has already sent Mr. Bush a package including a brief bio and several dozen pictures of himself. Speaking from his Salon on Ave. M Mr. Street said, “I want Georgie to know that his first time is the most important and who he shares it with is just as critical. He shouldn’t just start cruising the clubs looking for Mr. ‘Goodbar.’ That’s the mistake I made and it was terrible, honey. He needs a sensitive man the first time; he can get into the rough trade later on if that’s his thing.”

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” I knew there would be problems with that mandate thing. We told the President not to confuse his base with big words that they couldn’t understand like mandate and sandwich. I know it’s hard when you have a massive intellect like the President to be able to effectively ‘dumb down’ your message so those less intelligent can understand it and that’s the challenge we’ll be facing in the next four years. What the President meant to say is that by the time he’s done he’ll have turned the Supreme Court into a Bible Study Group and North Korea, Iran and Iraq into Republican Club Med’s.”

The President also said the he had earned “political capitol” from his re election and was going to spend it, presumably because he’s already spent all the actual money that’s in the Federal Budget and there’s nothing else left.