George W. Bush: "I'm Not Satisfied With The Job I've Done." But We Are.

In yet another one of his suddenly endless press conferences, United States President George W. Bush acknowledged that he has done a poor job in dealing with the aftermath of his Pre-Emptive Liberation and subsequent Civil War in Iraq. A somber and clearly worried Mr. Bush admitted, “I know many Americans are not satisfied with the situation (in Iraq). I’m not satisfied, either.” While it is unprecedented for Mr. Bush to admit his mistakes, it has become painfully apparent to him that he can no longer continue to paint the rosy picture that has been the stock and trade of this Administration since the whole debacle began. But is he right? Is the all the death and destruction really George W. Bush’s fault, as he suggests? We at Unconfirmed Sources think that the President is being too hard on himself. So, in the spirit of bi-partisanship, please Mr. President, don’t beat yourself up.

George (we can call you George, can’t we? After all, you’re a homespun sort of guy for a Connecticut-born multi-millionaire and to be totally honest, we still can’t say ‘Dubya’ with a straight face.), we have to talk. Listen Junior, while it was a noble thing to do, that admitting how bad you really fucked this one up and all, we still don’t think it was all your fault. Why? Because you’re just too cute to be the cold hearted idiot asshole that most of the world thinks you are. Maybe it’s that endearing little smirk you wear when you say things that we all know are blatant lies. It makes us believe that far from being a big fat fibber, you’re just a dopey guy that doesn’t know any better. It makes us feel protective towards you. You’re just being used by people who are way smarter than you George, and quite frankly, we’re worried about you.

Now, we know it’s not fashionable to be a Republican these days, or if you still are one, to even admit it. And if you were stupid enough to remain a Republican and are actually foolish enough to admit it, the one thing no one will do is come anywhere within a thousand feet of you if there’s the merest chance of someone with a camera nearby. We think that’s just so unfair George; why, we’d love to get a picture taken with you. Actually, what we’d really love to get is like, 10% of the money you bring in to these disloyal bozo’s in a single night’s fundraising …like that’s gonna happen. Still, it just proves what we’ve been saying, they’re just using you. We, on the other hand, just love the Dickens out of you, you little cutie, you.

But we digress, which given that this piece has ballooned to 477 words, is not good. Let us just say in closing, don’t blame yourself so much George…we certainly don’t. And remember, if Democrats take over Congress in a few weeks and you’re impeached and thrown in jail, we’ll come to visit you. We know, we know, but you don’t have to thank us. Hell, it’ll be fun.