George W. Bush Gets A Gold Star:
The Administration of George W. Bush, desperately trying to deflect attention away from Cindy Sheehan’s anti-war protest in Crawford, Texas and Karl Rove’s treason case in the Valerie Plame affair has hit upon a novel solution…threatening to attack Iran. At a time when Mr. Bush’s approval ratings are approaching their lowest point of his tenure and the myriad scandals of his first term are coming home to roost, some Washington insiders are questioning the logic of President Bush once again picking up the drum and beating out yet another war tattoo.
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “This is why we Neo-Cons love that little guy. George Bush was never a man to back down from a mistake in his life. He’s a fighter who’s not afraid to dig himself deeper into a hole if he thinks the sky is falling on him. Of course, we want the American people to know that we are still committed to seeking a peaceful solution to the Iranian Crisis, so we’re using a Recess Appointment to send Cindy Sheehan to Iran as a special ambassador in the hopes of finding a compromise and we’re not letting her come home until she does. Of course, if she fails and we have to nuke Tehran, we’ll probably call her first to let her know, I guess.”
Another Country Heard From:
In a related story, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, incensed that the Bush administration is threatening Iran and not him, is once again making his voice heard. In a surprise move, Mr. Kim is also threatening to attack Iran if the do not desist in their nuclear ambitions. Apparently Mr. Kim’s reasoning goes thusly: If North Korea beats the United States to punch by turning Iran into the worlds largest glass factory then he can achieve several goals…a) by using all of his nukes he will indeed turn the Korean Peninsula into a nuclear free zone as he has stated he desires, b) he can prove himself to be more of a peacemaker than George W. Bush by “Liberating” millions more people than the American President could ever hope to and finally, in twenty or thirty thousand years, position North Korea to become a major oil exporting nation.
Westchester County District Attorney Jeanine Pirro, during a stop in campaign to unseat New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has allowed her husband, convicted federal tax cheat, GOP fundraiser and acknowledged philander Albert Pirro, to be present on the stage near her. Ms. Pirro has been quietly trying to turn her husbands legal and filial woes into an asset with Liberal New Yorkers. Sources close to the campaign are explaining it this way: Ms. Pirro is better than Senator Clinton because, a) even after spending fifty two million dollars investigators still couldn’t find a reason to indict Ms. Clinton’s husband while hers was convicted using far less taxpayer money, b) even though Bill Clinton has admitted to being sexually promiscuous he never actually fathered an illegitimate child while her husband did which makes him more of a man and finally…aw shit, I forget the last one I thought up but it was really funny and tied the whole paragraph together, I swear.