(Washington) The Reverend Ian Paisley, a onetime vociferous opponent of the militant and separatist Irish Republican Army (IRA) but now First Minister of Northern Ireland, traveled this week with Martin Mc Guinness, a member of the IRA but now Deputy First Minister of Northern Ireland, traveled together to the United States to meet with United States President George W. Bush in the White House; this is the first time the two former enemies have traveled together to the US since the new power sharing agreement took effect earlier this year. Unfortunately, within minutes of being in the same room with Mr. Bush, the two were rolling on the floor beating the tar out of each other and vowing to resurrect the nearly thirty year campaign of attacks and retribution against each other.
“It was really amazing,” said a bloody and bruised Mc Guinness, “I mean, Ian and I took the whole bloody flight across the water together, just chatting away, drinking a few pints of the porter and playing pinochle; it was really quite lovely. We shared a car to the White House and the whole time we were laughing and joking. Then, the minute we begin the meeting with Bush, something started to happen. I noticed Ian starting to just stare at me with this look in his eyes. To be honest, I felt it too- I just wanted to kill the bastard. And then…I don’t know…the next thing I recall is laying on the floor with me hands squeezing on Paisley’s lucky charms and his thumb in my eye. Then, the minute Bush ran from the room, we were fine again.”
The Rev. Paisley echoed those same sentiments, saying, “I really thought the Good Friday accords Bill Clinton helped negotiate were going to last, but I swear, just being within two feet of George W. Bush makes a man want to kill. You forget words like diplomacy, compromise, sharing and peace. You just want to attack something, anything. If Martin wasn’t there I would have jumped on the Archbishop of Canterbury himself, I swear to Christ. That George Bush is the devil himself.”
Fortunately for the peace process, Mr. Bush had only allotted fifteen minutes to meet with the two former enemies and ran from the room after only five; speculation is that if the meeting had lasted it’s full time then the two sides would have begun a fight that would make the current Shia and Sunni animosity look like a playground spat by comparison. However the President remains undeterred, indeed the White House apparently senses an opportunity to advance it’s agenda. Mr. Bush next plans to meet with representatives of the Salvation Army; the hope is that he can convince that group to arm itself and join the fight against Al Gore and Greenpeace.