George W. Bush Plans Military Strike to Stop Global Warming

(Washington D.C. : Ucs News) With the commitments of other G8 leaders in hand George W. Bush is working with the Pentagon launch a full scale assault on global warming.

The President has consulted a task force of leading Neo-conservative environmentalists to plan the attack on global warming. The task force headed by Dick Cheney has determined the unstable western basin Antarctic ice shelf poses a significant threat that must be dealt with.

Speaking to reporters from the Exxon/Mobil sponsored Global Warming War room Cheney described the plans. “We are considering a pin point Tomahawk cruise missle strike followed up at least 500 tons of precision laser guided bombs.” The Pentagon thinks it can destroy the ice shealf before it can cause global sea levels to rise.

According to Pentagon sources a ground assault is being planned for the Greenland Ice cap. The Pentagon is confident it can seize control of Greenland with minimal loss of life. With the Greenland Ice cap under American control, Us patrols can prevent it from melting by using a sophisticated incremental atomic implosion process.

The President stated that other operations were already underway to limit the effects of global warming. “I have dispatched the 82nd airborne to Alaska and the Yukon territory with orders to stop the polar bears from drowning. Our brave man have orders to shoot on sight. This should halt the sensles drowning deaths of these fine creatures.”

In another move to significantly reduce the emission of carbon and other environmental toxins, the President demanded that Karl Rove and Paris Hilton be gagged.