George W. Bush Recites 'Twas The Night Before Christmas'

Twas the night before Christmas here in the White House.
Laura was sleeping and the twins had passed out.
Their stockings and spike heels were strewn everywhere,
while I sat there thinking, ‘It just isn’t fair’.
Here it was Christmas and everything sucked.
Life really stinks when you’re just a Lame Duck.
Nobody called, so I sat there alone
My polls are so low even Cheney won’t phone.
No Angela Merkel, no Ehud Olmert
no Vladimir Putin, they all think I’m a jerk.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
the Secret Service rushed in to see what was the matter.
But I sent them away. “It was nothing.”, I lied.
I didn’t want them to see me, their President, cry.
Then I went to the window to see what was there
and what I saw outside just made me so scared.
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
gave the luster of midday to objects below.
When what to my bloodshot red eyes should appear
but a massive Blue sleigh, and it filled me with fear.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick
I knew in a moment it wasn’t St. Nick.

It was Nancy Pelosi, and with her there came
so many Dems, and she called out their names.
“Now Daschle! Now Clinton! Now Kerry and Gore!
Obama and Edwards! Get us out of this war!
To the top of the Ticket! Make the GOP fall!
Now dash John McCain! Now dash away all!”
As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
I watched my Legacy wither and die.
So up to the White House these candidates flew
with a sleigh full of programs, and entitlements too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The dancing and cawing of this Liberal group.
As I drew in my head and was turning around,
Down the chimney they all came with a bound.
Then they stood before me, each tapping their foot
and their clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot
from the coal fired plants I said, “Build everywhere!”
I cried, “Leave me alone!” but they just stood there.

Then Obama stepped forward and looked down at me
He said, “I’m taking your job, or at least the VP’s.”
Hillary said, “You know, this once was my place,
and it’ll be mine again when I win the next Race.”
I think it was Kerry who called out from the rear,
“Take your Swift Boat and sail off with your Culture of Fear!”
Then Howard Dean screamed from the back of the crowd,
“You wouldn’t listen before, but you’re listening now!”

David Kucinich, with his face filled with grief
held up in his hand a large funeral wreath.
And on it the names of the thousands of dead
and there was real pain in the words that he said,
“You’ve started a War, but you’ll stay alive.
The same can’t be said for all the children who’ve died.
All of their deaths now rest on your head
and you’ll see their faces when you’re on your deathbed.”

For a moment I wondered if that could ever be true.
Am I really to blame for the all things that I do?
I thought about calling to Karl for help,
then I shook my head no, and I laughed at myself.
You see, I can’t be blamed for the things that I’ve done
since you can never have Peace without bombers and guns.
So I called to my guards, “Send them into the night!
Merry Christmas to all, now get out of my sight.”