President George W. Bush, speaking from the campaign trail, has once again assured voters that Troops in Iraq will get all the equipment and supplies they need to “finish the job”. Speaking to a carefully screened crowd who were forced to sign loyalty oaths and pledge to die for their Commander in Chief, Mr. Bush said, ” I was in the military so I know what our boys need and I’ll make sure they get it. They need ice for their drinks, good dental care, cool looking uniforms and maybe a hit or two of coke.”
Flashing his trademark smirk, Mr. Bush continued, “That’s what got me through my service to my country. John Kerry says our troops need ammunition, body armor and water. Hell, I never needed any of that stuff and I spent almost a whole eight months flying missions, keeping the skies over Texas free of those evil North Vietnamese thugs.
My message to the troops is this: John Kerry doesn’t know how to fight a war, I do. John Kerry actually left the country during the Vietnam War rather than serve in the National Guard, the coward. Then, rather than come home and make America a better place by getting himself an oil company or baseball team he decided to spend thirty years in public service prosecuting criminals and serving in the Senate. Is that what we want in our leader? I sure hope not.”
Private H. Elpme, speaking in a phone interview from Fallujah said, ” Body Armor is actually pretty overrated, especially when a bomb goes off under your Humvee. Look, 8,000 guys have been wounded here since the war began and I hear that some of them had been issued body armor. Body armor won’t keep your arms or legs attached, dude.”
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” Yeah, I know, on paper John Kerry’s voluntary service in a war zone and years as a prosecutor and Senator looks a lot better than George Bush’s desertion, bankrupt oil company and baseball team, but Americans don’t care about that stuff. After all, how many Americans served their country? All that public service makes regular Americans look bad. Given the choice, they’re gonna go with someone like George Bush who fucked around for most of his life before becoming President. It gives them hope that one day they’ll actually be able to do something with their lives. Of course, most Americans don’t have millions of dollars and a father who ran the CIA, but what the hell, all you need is a dollar and dream.”