George W. Bush Signs Quran Protection Act and Blasts Newsweek

Unconfirmed sources report that President Bush signed the Quran Protection Act and held a brief press conference early this morning. The President signed the bill, answered a few prescreened questions then lit into Newsweek for its shoddy coverage of the whole ‘Quran in the Can’ story.

The Quran Protection Act makes it illegal to deface the Koran in any way. The Quran must not be burned, folded, spindled, mutilated, or flushed down the can. The law also forbids the simulated, depicted, or implied destruction of the Quran in any media format. The penalties for violating the law are very severe and can include indefinite internment at Guantanamo Bay.

Congress passed the law late last night with massive bi-partisan support and rushed the bill to the White House. Democrats and Republicans united, for once, to send a clear message to the Arab world that America cares. Senate and House leaders stood by the President as the bill was signed into law this morning.

“Muslims across the globe must know that while it is ok to kill Muslims, it is not ok to make up stories about flushing the Quran down the can.” Said the President. “The conduct of Newsweek Magazine is unforgivable and I for one will not stand for it. I have ordered a complete investigation by the FBI, CIA, ACLU, IRS and the NRA to begin immediately. We are going to get to the bottom of this travesty of justice and punish anybody who we feel is responsible. We owe it to the Guantanamo Bay detainees to get to the bottom of this shocking display of journalistic hubris.”

Newsweek Magazine could not be reached for comment.