President George W. Bush has unveiled his novel plan to fix Social Security and Healthcare in the United States. The President was quoted as saying, ” The plan is very simple. First, now that all the old and sick people have voted for me, which was very important and I thank them for it, they have to take the next step and kill themselves. That way, we’ll barely have to fund Social Security at all and since most sick people are old and if there are no old, sick people left, existing Healthcare dollars will be more than enough for that end. It’s win win, really.”
Unnamed Administration source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse said, ” Of course, we don’t want all the old and sick people to kill themselves…that would be crazy. Anyone who can afford to live till they’re ninety on their own dime are more than welcome to hang around. It’s really just the poor people and Democrats we’d like to get rid of. Of course, if the rich old people would sort of keep themselves out of site, we’d be grateful. I mean, old people are pretty ugly and they smell funny sometimes.”
As with any new proposal by the President, there would be significant exceptions. Arizona Senator John McCain would be killed immediately by a vote of the Republican led House and Senate, whether he wants to die or not, just because, in the words of Alberto Gonzales, ” Any Republican that tells the truth, even sometimes, just can’t be trusted.” Supreme Court Justices David Souter, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Sandra Day O’Conner and John Paul Stevens would also be killed outright. On the other side, Rush Limbaugh, Charlton Heston and Billy Graham would be kept on life support indefinitely, to be carted out and displayed at future Republican rally’s. Originally, this latter list also included The Reverend Pat Robertson, but these days the White House just wants to freeze him cryogenically, right now.
“It’s a good plan,” remarked Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity, ” We think it addresses all the Administrations budget problems, except of course the sweltering money pit of Iraq. The money we save can be used to fund all sorts of projects…clear cutting National Forests, oil drilling in ANWAR,
you know, the good stuff.”