George W. Bush Unveils New Iraq Stability Plan

President George W. Bush has revealed his bold new plan for bringing peace and stability to Iraq. That country has been torn apart by the growing insurgency and the United States military and their ally Great Britain have been unable to stem the killing and destruction. With the death toll for American troops having surpassed one thousand, seven hundred and more than ten thousand seriously maimed, the American people, including some of the President’s most ardent supporters in Congress and the Senate, are increasingly clamoring for a timetable for withdrawal.

At a ceremony in the Rose Garden, Mr. Bush addressed reporters and unveiled his Bring About Iraqi Liberty Now (B.A.I.L. NOW) Initiative. In his opening remarks Mr. Bush said, in part, “One of the biggest problems facing my Administration today, and therefore the world, because any problems I have also seen to have a way of becoming problems for the whole world, is that the Iraqi people can’t seem to get off their duffs an find a strong, capable leader who can both stabilize the country and rule it without all those pesky new political parties that have sprung up…the Shiites, the Sunnis, the Kurds and Whey’s…it’s just a real mess. Well, I think it’s time that we appoint a man who can take charge, one who’s already been elected and with an overwhelming majority. A man who has proven that he can keep the country in line and fight terrorism. Therefore, I am appointing Saddam Hussein as interim President of Iraq, with elections to be held as soon as he decides the time is right.”

Stunned reporters attempted to pepper the President with questions, the foremost being why would Mr. Bush re-appoint Mr. Hussein after the United States has just spent hundreds of billions of dollars and possibly cost more than a hundred thousand Iraqi’s killed in addition to America’s military losses. Smirking knowingly, Mr. Bush replied, I knew y’all would ask that. I guess you’ve forgotten that for many years Saddam was a real friend to the United States in the Middle East and it was only because we were worried that he wouldn’t sell us his oil cheaply that we had to go in there and straighten him out back in 1990. I know we said it was because of Kuwait, but let’s face it…who cares who controls all them dusty little Arab countries as long as the oil keeps flowing? Do you? I know I don’t.

“Anyway, I talked to Saddam just a little while ago on the phone and he assured me that America can have all the Iraqi oil it wants at half price, just so long as we give him back his palaces and support him if he attacks Iran again. He also apologized for trying to kill my daddy, which really helped. In turn, I apologized for whacking Uday and Otay, or whatever that guys name was. We decided to chalk it up to a misunderstanding between friends and get back to the business of doing business. Freedom is on the march.”