Public high schools across the country are going to have to start teaching classes in sexual abstinence if they expect federal funding from the new Bush administration as part of an initiative dubbed the “War on Puberty.” At a ceremony introducing the program’s mascot, an animated teenager named Cherry Chastity, President Bush quipped: “I never understood the point of sex education personally; my kids already had too much of that when they got to high school.” Other weapons anticipated in the War on Puberty are a modern version of the chastity belt produced by DynCorp that works like a modified stun gun and webcams prominently placed in bathroom stalls.
When asked how all this would be funded, Tom Ridge, whose Department of Homeland Security is to oversee the new program in conjunction with the Education Department, said that costs would be kept down by the use primarily of dummy cameras which were found to be as effective as live ones. Many of the “stallcams” in certain troubled districts will be operational, however, and parents will be able to log onto the internet from work or home to see what little Johnny and Suzy and their friends are doing when away from direct adult supervision.
The new program, which is expected to reduce the rate of STD’s, teen pregnancy, and abortion by as much as a whole percentage point, was cheered by members of the Christian Coalition, some of whom prostrated themselves before the president and began speaking in tongues.
To tentative suggestions by two or three Democrats that they were anxious that perhaps some of the planned measures might possibly be perceived maybe by some people hypothetically as an invasion of privacy, Bush replied that “extremists in the Democratic party don’t seem to realize that the world has changed since September 11th, and the enemy is no longer attacking us only from beyond our borders.”
Ridge went on to affirm that “sleeper cells of potential evil doers and those that harbor them” have already been detected in a number of states. “It makes no sense to sit back and wait until evil is propertuated [sic] before taking action,” Bush said. “The people came out on election day and asked me to protect them from evil doers, and if that takes preemptive invasions of privacy, I’m not about to let a bunch of trial lawyer mumbo jumbo stop me. When I said I had I mandate,” he joked, “I wasn’t talking about Jim McGreevey.”