George W. Bush Will Not Return For Second Term: Latest Administration Resignations

The latest and perhaps most surprising resignation of the new Administration was handed in earlier today. President George W. Bush has signaled that he too has decided not return for a second term in the White House, following the likes of Secretary of State Colin Powell, Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge, Treasury Secretary John Snow and UN Ambassador John Danforth.

It was rumored that although he was asked to stay on by White House Chief of Staff Karl Rove and Vice President Dick Cheney, Mr. Bush still submitted and accepted his own letter of resignation, citing the need to spend more time with his family. Mr. Bush’s family also urged him to stay on the job, citing their need to not have him around if at all possible.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “We in the White House are saddened by the President’s resignation. While it’s true that Karl Rove and Dick Cheney have always run the day to day and long term operations here so no one will actually notice his absence, we’re sure gonna miss the little guy. He was just fun to have around… running through the West Wing halls, waving that little sword, dressing up in his darling uniforms and sitting on that phone book behind his desk issuing Executive Orders, or Erectuative Porters as he would call them. God, he was just so cute.”

Mr. Bush’s Evangelical Christian Base, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “As long as all the abortion doctors are put on death row and no lives will be saved by stem cell research, we don’t give a fuck who runs the world.”

While his actual influence on policy was negligible, as those decisions have been and will continue to be made by Halliburton and the Shell Corporation, President Bush was arguably the most well known face in the Administration. In the wake of his surprise departure White House officials have been left scrambling to find another front man.

Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of never ending anonymity continued, “We’ve been spit balling names of candidates to front for our secret agenda. We contacted Mickey Rooney hoping to keep the short and dopey thing going but he told us to piss off. Then we tried to get Nancy Reagan to let us dig up and stuff Ronnie, but her astrologer said it wasn’t in the stars. Now it seems that the front runner is William O’Dell, the CEO of DieBold. After all, as he pointed out, he’s the guy who really won the election anyway; the actual name on the ballot had nothing to do with the amount of votes cast.”