Global warming strikes the United States

MINNEAPOLIS–States across the midwest have been struck with a heatwave, with temperatures reaching as high as -2 degrees Fahrenheit. Most Minnesotans are now walking around in the nude to escape this dangerous global warming trend.

“It is so important that we give up all of our rights and let the New World Order elites cull the population to stop the spread of this dangerous global warming,” said Minneapolis resident Faye Kerr. “Thank God for Al Gore, is all I have to say.”

Dr. Julie Gerberding, the Centers for Disease Control head who became a certified-expert in Malthusianism/Nazism, spoke about the need to combat global warming by killing people.

“We all know that human life is destroying the planet. If we don’t start killing people, the people will end up dying because life is imcompatible with planet earth. It is better to just start picking and choosing who lives and who dies by government committee. These vaccines we use work great. If we do this, we can stop this global warming that is affecting Minnesota,” said Julie Gerberding.

According to leaked documents, Unconfirmed Sources has learned that Julie Gerberding is the Queen of hell, while Barack Obama is the Vice-President of hell, and George W. Bush is the President of hell. Perhaps Ms. Gerberding is just thinking about how hot is in hell.

FEMA has issued a weather warning over the dangerously high temperatures. If it gets any warmer in Minnesota, people may start to spontaneously combust.

“If the temperature rises too many more degrees, FEMA may have to start forcible round-ups of people to make them evacuate to a cooler climate,” said one FEMA employee, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Some skeptics disagree with the claim that Minnesota is too hot right now. What they don’t understand, however, is that no matter how cool it gets, cooling is actually a part of global warming. This is science, as explained by the Associated Press:

“Mother Nature, of course, is oblivious to the federal government’s machinations. Ironically, 2008 is on pace to be a slightly cooler year in a steadily rising temperature trend line. Experts say it’s thanks to a La Nina weather variation. While skeptics are already using it as evidence of some kind of cooling trend, it actually illustrates how fast the world is warming.”