God Punishing Humanity For Premarital Sex and Masturbating Through Tornadoes, Fires, Floods and E…


Many Christian sources stated today that God is displeased with mankind having unwed sex, adulterous sex and masturbating and has vowed to destroy the Earth through natural disasters such as tornadoes, fires, floods and Earthquakes unless we repent.

“The climate changing is being caused by illicit and immoral sexual behavior!” said Mormon church president Thomas Monson. “Everyone from high level politicians down to the common man are either having gratuitous sex or masturbating and this is causing the almighty to show forth his power!”

Monson reminded us that God could, of course, wipe out humanity in an instant but is giving us time to repent and change our ways. He also pointed out that God has spared Utah because there are more Mormons and fewer people have sex or masturbate.

Many church leaders of different Christian faiths agreed with Monson. “He’s pretty pissed off over all the unnecessary orgasms going on”, said Catholic Bishop Anthony Marinetti.

Some churchgoers doubted that they were responsible for the current condition of the planet. “C’mon, I wank it and God makes a tornado?” asked Oklahoma resident Blake Johnson. “Give me a fricking break!”

Alicia Peterson said she now feels guilty that her masturbation habits may be causing worldwide destruction. “I don’t actually touch myself. I hump a pillow. Does that count?” she asked.

Monson urged residents of Arizona and New Mexico to abstain from any kind of sexual activity until the fires have been controlled and extinguished.

“Except for married people”, Monson clarified. They can have all the sex they want!”

Monson said “California’s next and boy will that one be a show!”