Washington, DC (Charade Magazine) – Attorney General Alberto “Abu” Gonzales granted an exclusive interview today to Charade reporter Iyam Pistoff after the recent indictment of Jose Padilla. The interview follows in it’s entirety:
Pistoff: Thank you for speaking with me today Mr. Gonzales, but first, I must ask, “Why Charade, and why me in particular?”
Gonzales: Please, call me Abu, like my friends do. As you know, with the recent resignation of Judith Miller and last year’s resignation of Jeff Gannon, this administration has really been suffering at the hands of the liberal media. What with the scandals in regards to payola by this administration that have been alleged in the past, we’re simply looking to rebuild a few burned bridges. You may find that this could really be worth your while.
Pistoff: OK. Well, what can you tell us about the indictment of Mr. Padilla?
Gonzales: As we said at the press conference yesterday, unfortunately there is not a lot that we can talk about legally as we gear up for prosecution. I do want to stress that while many Americans may be disappointed that Mr. Padilla was not charged with the specific plots to which he and hundreds of others have confessed and implicated each other with, this is one evil dude. We simply found that it would be far too risky to reveal the interrogation techniques used to uncover this vast conspiracy.
Pistoff: Many have claimed that the interrogation techniques that you speak of include torture, would you care to comment about that?
Gonzales: No. Just kidding! I wish that there was some way that we could just beat this into the American public… this administration does not condone torture of anyone as it is legally defined. We have worked hard to define it in such a way as to maximize its fear factor and propaganda value in the ongoing war against terror. Do we use some extreme interrogation techniques? Yes, absolutely, when there is an imminent risk to American lives. But rest assured, any requests for such techniques are approved through a sanctioned Water Board.
Pistoff: Many in America are upset that it has taken over three years for Mr. Padilla to have his “day in court”, Abu. Why has it taken the government so long to make its case?
Gonzales: I’m glad you asked that. The Department of Justice has been stretched a little thin with the ongoing defense… err… prosecution of Scooter Libby and other possible defendants in the White House/CIA leak case. People must also realize that the Padilla case is like a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle in which the pieces really don’t fit. It takes a lot of hard foot and upper body work to whip these pieces into shape and make them fit. Having America attacked again just because we wasted time with trying to assemble a puzzle together correctly and “by the rules” is simply not a risk this administration is willing to take.
Pistoff: That’s an interesting gadget that you have in your hands Abu, what is it?
Gonzales: Ha ha… oh, this thing! My youngest son watched the movie “Napoleon Dynamite”, and he really liked the keychains that they were handing out so he made this one for me. Heh, heh… “Vote for Pedro”… or else. Heh, heh.
Pistoff: Where do you and the Bush administration go from here?
Gonzales: Exile? Just kidding again! We never really pay attention to polls in the war on terror, but I believe that our actions will be exonerated, pardoned, or whenever you would like to call it in the future. As to our specific plans, I’ll have to plead the fifth.